Essays, Opinions, & Deep, Important Thoughts

 


Tuesday
Aug062013

A Modest Proposal

flood 300x245 A Modest Proposal

We are encouraged to believe the myth of a polarized America, but in reality most of us essentially want the same things: we want our economy to prosper, we want our streets to be safe, and we want our children to have promising futures. We all, at the end of the day, basically just want to be happy. While our everyday lives seem complicated, our desires usually aren’t.

Our government, unfortunately, almost never really reflects this.

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Thursday
May312012

Go Greyhound

 

As a groomsman in my brother’s wedding (yes, a groomsman! Aren’t we modern and interesting?) I was invited to his bachelor party, despite the fact that I am a girl and not a stripper. The wedding isn’t for 2 months, but for reasons that I have either forgotten or did not bother to learn, the festivities were held last Saturday. I did not find out about this until just two days before, because John is a total jackass and didn’t tell me (and because I am a total jackass and don’t call my brother enough) so I had a very limited amount of time to get to St. Louis. My tax return had STILL not arrived—three week turnaround my ass—and airfare for the next day was outrageously expensive. The train was almost as bad, and I still haven’t figured out the ins-and-outs of identity theft, so I was forced to get a little compromising:

Greyhound.

25 hours.

Each way.

This is a cautionary tale.

 

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Thursday
May312012

FUCK. THIS. NOISE.

I'm telling you, you're coming along at a very dangerous time for rock n' roll. That's why I think you should turn around, go back, you know, and be a lawyer or something.

-Almost Famous


The first time I found myself alone with Jay-Z, I was as wet as a drowned rat and an hour late to work. My alarm clock, the bane of my existence, had let me sleep in again, and when I ran out of my dorm without an umbrella I managed to convince myself that the hoodie on my back would protect me from the unassuming drizzle outside. Forty-five minutes later at the mouth of the 49th Street subway station, the ridiculous delays I encountered on the tracks were explained by the torrential, apocalyptic monsoon erupting above. There was no saving me, and no turning back with my tardiness, so as I dashed west past the Ambassador Theatre toward WorldWide Plaza I prayed I would at least be able to slip in undetected, and wring out my hair in the bathroom sink.

 

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Thursday
May312012

The Mud and the Blood and the Beer

Day five of a bender isn’t pretty, as the boyish grease ball at the end of the bar can attest. Your eyes stop focusing, the heartburn erupts, and your short-term memory that has been shot for a couple of days starts to come back and fuck with your bearings. The shadows of your life-- the interventions, the strained relationships, the medical concerns-- haunt you, but they can’t really touch you until you come out of your self-induced haze. And when you find yourself hunched over yet another PBR in yet another Brooklyn dive, you can explain away a lot of it with a laugh. Mike Herrera, who woke up a few hours ago, downed a 40 and came down to happy hour, launches into yet another story, this one about chipping his tooth on his tour manager/spiritual advisor’s forehead after chugging a “Recipe for Disaster” (one pint glass, half whiskey, half vodka-- no ice) at some hotel in the Southwest a couple of years ago. He smiles at the memory fondly, proud of his arsenal of fucked-up tour anecdotes. “You know how you can’t really tell how drunk you are when you’re swimming?” Well, he does.

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Wednesday
May302012

I'll Give Ya "Redefining" Marriage

Long rants on marriage equality have kind of been my thing since I started writing strongly worded letters to Bill Clinton on the subject when I was 10— and now that the President finally gives a damn, it’s more important than ever to shut down the false information that bigots routinely use to rationalize their bullshit.

So in order to blow off some steam, herein I will present you with enough relevant facts and history to completely debunk this whole “we shouldn't be redefining marriage” objection to equality I keep seeing.

I admit, it takes a while. The twisted knots of logic in this argument are not very easily untangled.

Let’s talk about the REAL “tradition” of marriage.

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Wednesday
May302012

Going Native


I recently found out what I am-- my mom got curious a while ago and did our family tree. I suppose there are always bound to be surprises.

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Saturday
May262012

Many Happy Returns

 Pumpkin, you’re the prince tonight,

The songs are all for you.

We’ll revel up

A festival of

Drunken

Clowns

&

Goons.

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